Happy Birthday!!!

Well....it happened...my babies are 1!!! I can't believe how fast the year went. I know I should be happy and proud of them and I am but I also can't stop thinking about what it was like a year ago. I can't remember what happened a year ago yesterday. I can't remember how a year ago today started or really ended. I can only remember a few things. I remember that it snowed for the first time that year. I remember they told me that the babies would be taken that night. They had scheduled the c-section for 7 or something but moved it up to 5:30 or 6. I remember Andrew telling everyone to leave my room and how thankful I was that he did that. As much as I wanted everyone there...I really needed just him. I told him that I thought it was okay that they were born that day because it was the first snow and it was a Sunday. He played a Jimmy Eat World song for me called Sunday...I think that is the name of it...its an extra special song. I remember crying and being really really scared but trying to be strong and brave. I can remember being taken to the operating room and laying on a bed that felt about 5 inches wide. It also felt like there was a hill right under my back. I was super hot...the magnesium made me hot, being pregnant made me hot, and they had the room hot so the babies wouldn't be super cold when they were taken out. It seemed like I was laying there for hours. I can remember that the epidural hurt pretty bad and the nurses talking about how Dr. Boyd was a little annoyed that my epidural was so late. I can remember feeling embarrassed about all my parts being out in the open for about 20 people to see. I didn't know how worried Julie was. Part of me doesn't want to have any more children just to keep Julie from having to go through that again!!! I can remember that it felt really strange when Dr. Boyd was taking the babies out. I know they cried but I can't remember hearing them. I know Andrew didn't know what to do...he wanted to be with me but he wanted to see his sons. I told him to take a million pictures and to stay with them. The put them in the same bassinet and stopped about 9 feet away...that was my first and only glimpse of children for 2 days. The next thing I can remember is asking if I could go to sleep. They said yes and then asked me a question I don't think I answered...then they told me they were giving me narcotics. Then I remember waking up and seeing my very best friend Carrie (Tree). I couldn't believe she was there. I cried when I saw her and asked if she saw them. I think she had but I don't remember anything..just that she was there and I cried because it meant so much. She drove all the way from Chicago and had to go back that night. You don't get many friends like her...I only have one...I love her!!! I can't even imagine what the boys were going through. They weren't ready to come out...they were small and scary looking. Andrew showed me pictures everyday on the camera. I had him take more pictures every time he went to see them and made him go see them many times a day. He didn't like taking all the pictures but that was all I had. I wasn't allowed to see them until my catheter was out and that couldn't be taken out until I was off the mag and I couldn't be taken off of that until my blood pressure went down. I had these crazy balloon things on my legs to keep me from getting blood clots. They were fun for about 20 minutes...then I hated them. I think that I didn't like when anyone other then Andrew told me how they were doing. I didn't want to hear it from people that didn't know what it was like to be going through it...that is dumb though, but how I felt. Finally on Tuesday they took the cath out. I was still on mag but very little I guess. I was moved from the labor and delivery room to the mother baby wing..my room was across from the nursery...that was kind of mean. The nurse couldn't believe I didn't see my boys yet and took me as soon as I was settled in. Andrew was waiting for us. We saw Aaron first. It was really hard not to sob. Andrew told me it hurt him to touch him and not to rub him. I couldn't believe someone was telling me how to touch MY baby. It was terrible. He had so many cords all around him. His skin looked like it hurt...I just told him that I loved him and that I was so very sorry. Andrew tried to prepare me to see Elliott. He still had CPAP. Again...I cried...told him I loved him and that I was so sorry. His nurse was Christal. That was when she told me to feel what I was feeling. Some people had told me that I should be grateful and happy about how they were doing. It was nice for her to tell me I didn't have to feel happy because I was far from happy. I was scared out of my mind and so terribly guilty. I went to see them a few more times that day and it got easier each time. I think I was finally released on Thursday. That was probably the worst day of my life. I wanted out of the hospital really bad but I didn't know how hard it would be to leave them. Right before I went home a new mom was put in my room. She had just given birth to a healthy baby girl. I just sat on my bed praying that Andrew would hurry up and get there. I didn't know how terrible I would feel to hear the nurses bring in her new daughter....to hear them helping her put the baby to her breast to be fed for the first time...I wanted to die. I was able to hold it together. I clung to the pictures I had of Elliott and Aaron. Andrew finally got there and I got out of the room as fast as I could. I was wheeled down to the parking deck where I waited for Andrew to bring the car around. I couldn't believe how cruel life could be. While I was waiting...with my belly still looking pregnant but empty....there were at least 5 other new moms there, holding their babies, waiting for their babies daddies. They were everywhere...seeming to mock me. It was so hard. Next we went to Target for my pain meds. As soon as we were in the door what do we see? Infant twin boys with their parents. I wanted to just go home but I was in pain so we picked up the meds...gave the pharmacist an update on the boys and went to Avanti's. That night when I was trying to sleep I kept rubbing my belly like I did when I was pregnant...they weren't in there...they weren't in the room with us or the room next to us. I couldn't stop crying. Andrew called the NICU to make sure they were okay. It was so terrible. The emotional pain of that day is something I will never forget. I am very happy about how everything turned out. Elliott and Aaron are AWESOME!!! I think Andrew and I are stronger individuals and have a stronger marriage because of that month they were in the NICU and the past year we have had. Sorry that was so long...Now I can't really see the screen...I am crying kind of a lot!!!

So..now to happy stuff. We celebrated the boys birthday with family and friends on Saturday. I have added some pictures. Today we took the boys to the NICU. We saw Dr. Hocker (he was their neonatologist) and tons of their nurses. It was really fun. Elliott showed off and Aaron was shy and cuddly. We had them dressed in birthday clothes from head to toe. Everyone loved their birthday shoes...thanks Katie!!! We went to Chili's for dinner. The boys had broccoli and grilled cheese. We told our waiter it was their birthday but they didn't get a birthday song or free dessert...what gives??? Next we went to Toys R Us and bought tons of stuff they don't need. Maybe they do...don't kids need mega blocks and busy beads and maracas and drums??? Also books and Christmas bibs? I think they do =) They have really enjoyed playing with/chewing on all their new stuff. Aaron has been standing more on his own...I might have already said that. They seem to be sleeping better and better all the time...not waking up in the night to fuss for a few minutes. They even sleep past 7 sometimes!!! Other times they are awake closer to 6am...oh well...at least they wake up every morning right?!?!? Well...I had better get to bed. Enjoy the pictures!!! The last one is a video. Make sure your sound is on...Andrew and I are talking about something dumb but the boys talk and it's cute. Hopefully we can capture Elliott walking sometime!!! That kid is camera shy or something!!!

xoxo
Jen


Decorations...lots of yellow!!! Just remember...not our choice of wall color. It came with the house. Jackson is in this pic...he is so cute!!!


The boys in their birthday hats...they were pretty big but still cute!!!


The duck cake =)


The cupcakes with all the little birthday rubber duckies!!!


Grandma Bock and Elliott


Our family before opening presents


Aaron IN the box with the presents!!!


blowing out the candles...sorry I am in the way...Aaron is behind there!!!


Aaron LOVING frosting and cake


Elliott loving frosting and cake.


Elliott very sad because his cake is gone!!!


Aaron doing "so big"


Aaron with NICU nurse Christal. She was one of my favorite of Elliott's nurses. She is the one who told me it was okay to feel anything I was feeling and I didn't have to feel lucky because my babies were doing so much better than lots of the other babies in there.


Elliott walking from NICU nurse Cari to me...Cari was one of Aaron's nurses. She was there when Aaron came home.


Aaron and his daddy at Chili's for their birthday dinner...they had broccoli and grilled cheese.


Elliott and I at Chili's. We told them it was their birthday and they didn't sing or give them free dessert!!!