I am a terrible mother

This is not a happy blog about how the boys are doing so if you don't want to read about real life and my honest thoughts...go to a different blog.

Let me tell you why...I got sick so they came early. I must have done something wrong while pregnant for Aaron to puke all the time. My babies won't nap for more than 20 minutes anymore...and if one more person says "maybe since they are older they don't need to nap as much" I will punch them in the face. If you think that, how about you come stay with them for the day and tell me that they are getting enough sleep. Aaron won't sleep at night in his own bed. This must be my fault. Apparently we are supposed to let him cry until the sun comes up so he can learn to sleep by himself all night in his own bed....or maybe I just suck...when I hear other moms talking they talk about how bad they have it because their one baby won't sleep for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time...to you I say.... something explicit. I couldn't breastfeed so my babies are unhealthy. I tried to do better by making their baby food but I think I am poisoning Aaron because he won't stop puking and now eats about half of what Elliott eats. Want to know what is going on in the Hicks house right now? I am down in the basement so I can't hear Elliott and Aaron screaming. I told them that 15 minutes was not a nap...shut the door and walked away hearing them scream. I have a monitor that I turn on every 5 minutes to make sure one didn't choke on puke. Just checked....both are still screaming. Sometimes I think that I was not meant to have children. I have been told that when God puts a desire in your heart he will make it happen. Maybe God did not put my desire to have children in my heart. Maybe it was just my desire and we changed fate by me taking Clomid. Don't you think that perhaps I didn't ovulate for a reason....because God knew I would be a terrible mother? Sometimes I sit back and think about everything that the babies ruined. I have no freedom...I can't even go to the eye doctor or dentist!!! I am lucky to get my hair cut every few months and to get a shower every few days. Andrew and I get NO time together without thinking about how we can't buy something because we need to buy formula or diapers....or without a baby crying or needing to eat or needing a bath or wanting to be held. I will never be comfortable in a swimsuit or any other article or clothing again. I have no career, no free time to read or even have friends. Some days I am not this negative but today I am. If you think that I shouldn't write or even think these things then you either aren't a parent or you are lying to yourself. I asked Andrew last night why we wanted kids...not because I don't love mine....just because I couldn't remember why we wanted children so badly that I took drugs to get them. He said that we wanted children because it's a human experience and to further on the Hicks name....hmmmmm....just checked....they are still screaming....have been for 45 minutes now....who are you people who say a baby will "cry it out" in 15 minutes???? What a lie. There is so much pressure on me to be perfect and I am a terrible mother. What mother questions her reason for wanting children? What mother can't breast feed? What kind of mother has children that can't nap and puke ALL day long...I am not exaggerating...he pukes from his first bottle to his last...pukes after he eats and even right before. Come over and look at our puke stained carpet...now since they are eating solids....we have colored spots!!! What kind of mother can't speak up for her children...I should have told Dr. Maini that I didn't think they should start eating solids yet...just to see what she had to say but I didn't....I just followed her advise...I didn't want them to have shots, yet I didn't speak up and my babies were pumped full of stuff their little bodies could have probably done without. I stay home all day with them and just pray to God that I am not creating two psycho killers. Just thought of one more thing...I am a terrible mother because I put my babies to sleep on their sides and have bumpers in their cribs and give them pacis.